the only love that's real

back from nyc with alex, more later. i miss him.

nothing better

hm...i haven't written in awhile; i feel guilty.

not much is going on. i was in the ER tuesday night. dr. palumbo thought i had meningitis and i was sent to the hospital. i didn't have meningitis; only a viral condition. but the spinal tap they did gave me headaches until saturday night, and nausea! blech! i had to call into work twice but it doesn't matter. i got the job at bed, bath & beyond.

wednesday i'm going to see alex. i'm really nervous. it's always nerve-wracking to meet the family - not to mention stay with them. he told me last night that he's falling in love with me again. i feel terrible for being insecure when he says things like that.

i don't know what it is. i'm happy with myself - i really am. sometimes i just feel like i need to be more me. i'm not sure if that makes sense...

o well...back to cleaning my room. i don't want to come home to a messy room.

heart heart!

snow!

it's snowing!

i got my article done. it's strange how disorganized all my information looks until i actually sit down and put it together. i never thought it would all come together, but i think it's all right now.

hm, well, skipped environment today. i have a test wednesday too. it's ok...i'm sure it's easy.

no early class tomorrow. and no classes at all on thursday. ::happy sigh::

oh, and i'm going to ny for thanksgiving to see alex and his family. i'm kind of nervous to meet his family. it's just weird...i've known him for so long and i know him well...what if his family doesn't like me? hm, i shouldn't be paranoid i guess.

um...that's it!

..sigh..!

busy lately...more later...

first frosts...

bush is going to camp david today to contemplate on his cabinet. according to him, regarding his re-election... 'i have earned my capital, and now i'm going to spend it.' he also added that he's very happy with his cabinet, but hasn't said a word about congress. and he won't let NCLB die...how about the environment or something? let's start some productive programs! i've seen NCLB in action and it doesn't help. this press conference is a joke. i'm scared for this country.

we had our first frost today; it will be snowing soon.

"you should see the canals are freezing, you should see me high... you should just be here." -jimmy eat world.

this country is in trouble!

ugh, bush re-elected...need i really say more? i'm so diappointed. at work today nicole was all excited and all i could really say was, 'good, i'm glad you like bush. enjoy the next four years...they'll be interesting' (if not destructive to american safety, resources, and relations) over the next four years i think we'll really have a chance to see the real bush: he doesn't have to worry about a second election this time. we'll start seeing a lot of his new plans soon; that should be...hm...frightening?

i had an interesting discussion in my environnment class. the professor is convinced that most of the students in there are in there because they care about the environment. but i guess she doesn't know that the majority are rude freshman that have to take the class for their pre-req. but anyway, we got into a discussion about fossil fuels, their depletion and whatnot. the professor actually made a really good point...if we've only got about 50yrs, (30yrs. regarding china's revolution) then why are we wasting time? maybe bush doesn't see it...but the economy will go to shit if we don't take care of this problem soon. there is no more oil in america...none...and if there is , it's a small undiscovered amount left to universities to explore. and because this war seems so heavily centered on oil, personal interest, and irrelevent issues, let's move on... we have the technology to do so. what are we waiting for?

my dad's ranting about how much he loves bush, great. i've been interrupted! ha! but he says 'bush is the lesser of two evils'. hm...that seems to be how most people have been voting...regardless of the candidate. that really doesn't say much about bush or kerry.

'i think he's going to go down as one of the best presidents in history. just because he stood up and made a stand about this whole terrorist issue...i don't think people realize how much he's done.' well...my dad had a point for a second...

regarding new york state being vastly democratic, he said: 'this state is so screwed up, we were ranked the highest tax county last year and in came time to vote this year, and you know what happened...we voted all the same people back into office. by overwhelming majority too! it was an absurd number, to do the same thing for four more years.'

hehe, ok, enough from my dad. i don't agree, but it's interesting to see his point of view.

something has kind of been bothering me since last night. i fell asleep around tenish...i'm not really sure what time alex was going to call and it didn't really matter. i mean, we spent the whole weekend together, he has stuff to catch up on, just like i have a ton to do. but when he did call...all he seemed to talk about were girls. i'm not sure why i feel jealous about this...i just felt like crap. o well, i just wanted to put that down. i didn't want to tell alex because it's silly, and then he'll start censoring what he says around me, but i didn't want to keep it pent up.

i'm working with jess tomorrow. ed said some pretty horrible stuff about the party. i'm so glad i didn't go. i guess jess cheated on darren, three times in one night with a really gross guy. gr...and supposedly she loved darren. what is love these days anyway?...maybe that's why i'm so hesitant about the whole love thing...it just doesn't seem to mean a whole lot.

i also applied at several different places. i need a new job; i'm so tired of subway. i'm so tired of working with food! taget, best buy, bed bath & beyond, barnes and noble, and jo ann fabrics. hopefully i'll get atleast one of them! hehe.

nite nite

...soon we'll be far away, far from the street where you learned how to be not what you are...

dawn breaks like a bull through the hall...

hm, i shouldn't get into the habit of neglecting this thing...

um, there's not much to say. alex is coming tonight; i'm excited, but it doesn't seem as great as before. hopefully we'll do something exciting...i really want to go see hallwalls or something. and i have to do an article for the paper. and then of course there's the bill.... ::Sigh::

definitely more later.

<3

i was happier then with no mind-set...

hm...stressful day! there's so much going on...and alex is coming this weekend. i'm trying to get everything done in time and he keeps wanting to come earlier and earlier. gr! but i'm sure we'll have fun. i miss him.

i wrote my article. it's all up to nadia now; i hope they'll publish it.

missed a quiz too, but i think i can make it up. tomorrow will be pretty easy...

.this song changed my life.

::new slang::

hm, i took some pictures today. strange pictures of things like...leaves on the ground, and the colors of the trees because i think they're beautiful. i know when i develop the pictures i won't like them. i take pictures of things like that because they just seem so beautiful at the time, but developed, they're boring because you can't develop the way you felt when you took them.

i had my spanish mid-term already. it went all right, warford says i got a 19/20 ....i think. i'm not really sure because he said it in spanish. i met with dr. lindner; she's kind of mean but she's very busy so i guess it's ok. i got my interview...now all i have to do is interview some students and type up the article.

this weekend is pretty stressfree.

..there's beauty in the breakdown..

I walked out of class today, towards the lot, and it was so nice out. It was kind of foggy, like the clouds were just hanging in the air. Actually I think they were because when you walked, it was like you were walking into a mist. I crossed the lawn and I’m not sure if it was because I had my hat over my ears, but it was just peacefully quiet outside and still. Even though it was between class time, everyone just seemed to be in their own silence. There was the shuffle of feet and the occasional conversation but everyone was completely on their own. But at that moment were all had something in common. In that moment I felt more alive than I have in weeks.

I like feeling alive; I like being able to find that independent center of happiness and stability in myself and not have to rely on someone else to make me feel content. Even worse, I’ve been preoccupied with this stupid sense of simplistic contentment. I need to surround myself with positive things; I don’t feel very positive. I feel trapped sometimes; sometimes he makes me feel in genuine and fake. This is the part where relationships don’t work for me. I don’t feel independent; I feel compromised and sometimes like I’m not even heard.

Maybe I can make it better between us. It’s just getting over the old stale feelings that’s hard. I want to make it work because when it does we’re connected; but when it doesn’t we both feel like shit. I honestly do care about it; maintaining excitement is hard. I don’t need excitement, but I think sometimes he does. I wish I could make him notice the little silly things that mean so much.

hm hm...

dark and rainy today...and the trees are multicolored!

hm...yesterday was a lot of fun...not as exciting as I thought it would be, but I guess that's part of growing up. I'm so restless...I want to get out of here.

Alex is acting strange...but it's ok. I shouldn't get too attached anyway. LAtely I've been liking him a little too much than I should so maybe this is just a wake-up call. As much as he says he doesn't want to hurt me, I think eventually that's how this will end.

There's another show downtown tonight, not sure yet if I want to go...it's kind of a lazy day but I need a change of scenery.

18

Woot, so today was a good day...well not at first, but it's what I made of it.

I got my traguses peirced. Time to get dressed to go out...more later.

.:muah!:.

from top to bottom in seconds

'Give it a few days and I'll be wishing I'd never met you.'

So I was offered an internship for the paper here...I suppose I have to collect some of my work and a resume. That should be interesting...going through writing brings back so many strange memories.

I had a really great day. Nice morning...met with group for Exe, got a 93 in Psy...work was compeltely dead, I love it. It was beautiful outside...I went out for a bit, got some new clothes. But of course it was shattered, the elation deflated within seconds by him. This is the part of relationships I dread. It was so nice this weekend, everything I've always wanted but never had. And now the commitment comes, the promises, the plans...I can't do this. I'm getting bored and he's a jerk sometimes.

"I'll get bored and feel trapped because that's who I am" - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

This weekend was so strange, almost like a dream. Now being back in the real world I feel really unsettled and unhappy. I didn't want this sort of jolt. I've even cried over this stupid thing. The woman in the train station...

"Oh, I knew it. I know young lovers when I see them. He's leaving you isn't he?"

I hate this. This is the part where I fail you.