I walked out of class today, towards the lot, and it was so nice out. It was kind of foggy, like the clouds were just hanging in the air. Actually I think they were because when you walked, it was like you were walking into a mist. I crossed the lawn and I’m not sure if it was because I had my hat over my ears, but it was just peacefully quiet outside and still. Even though it was between class time, everyone just seemed to be in their own silence. There was the shuffle of feet and the occasional conversation but everyone was completely on their own. But at that moment were all had something in common. In that moment I felt more alive than I have in weeks.
I like feeling alive; I like being able to find that independent center of happiness and stability in myself and not have to rely on someone else to make me feel content. Even worse, I’ve been preoccupied with this stupid sense of simplistic contentment. I need to surround myself with positive things; I don’t feel very positive. I feel trapped sometimes; sometimes he makes me feel in genuine and fake. This is the part where relationships don’t work for me. I don’t feel independent; I feel compromised and sometimes like I’m not even heard.
Maybe I can make it better between us. It’s just getting over the old stale feelings that’s hard. I want to make it work because when it does we’re connected; but when it doesn’t we both feel like shit. I honestly do care about it; maintaining excitement is hard. I don’t need excitement, but I think sometimes he does. I wish I could make him notice the little silly things that mean so much.
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