dawn breaks like a bull through the hall...

hm, i shouldn't get into the habit of neglecting this thing...

um, there's not much to say. alex is coming tonight; i'm excited, but it doesn't seem as great as before. hopefully we'll do something exciting...i really want to go see hallwalls or something. and i have to do an article for the paper. and then of course there's the bill.... ::Sigh::

definitely more later.

<3

i was happier then with no mind-set...

hm...stressful day! there's so much going on...and alex is coming this weekend. i'm trying to get everything done in time and he keeps wanting to come earlier and earlier. gr! but i'm sure we'll have fun. i miss him.

i wrote my article. it's all up to nadia now; i hope they'll publish it.

missed a quiz too, but i think i can make it up. tomorrow will be pretty easy...

.this song changed my life.

::new slang::

hm, i took some pictures today. strange pictures of things like...leaves on the ground, and the colors of the trees because i think they're beautiful. i know when i develop the pictures i won't like them. i take pictures of things like that because they just seem so beautiful at the time, but developed, they're boring because you can't develop the way you felt when you took them.

i had my spanish mid-term already. it went all right, warford says i got a 19/20 ....i think. i'm not really sure because he said it in spanish. i met with dr. lindner; she's kind of mean but she's very busy so i guess it's ok. i got my interview...now all i have to do is interview some students and type up the article.

this weekend is pretty stressfree.

..there's beauty in the breakdown..

I walked out of class today, towards the lot, and it was so nice out. It was kind of foggy, like the clouds were just hanging in the air. Actually I think they were because when you walked, it was like you were walking into a mist. I crossed the lawn and I’m not sure if it was because I had my hat over my ears, but it was just peacefully quiet outside and still. Even though it was between class time, everyone just seemed to be in their own silence. There was the shuffle of feet and the occasional conversation but everyone was completely on their own. But at that moment were all had something in common. In that moment I felt more alive than I have in weeks.

I like feeling alive; I like being able to find that independent center of happiness and stability in myself and not have to rely on someone else to make me feel content. Even worse, I’ve been preoccupied with this stupid sense of simplistic contentment. I need to surround myself with positive things; I don’t feel very positive. I feel trapped sometimes; sometimes he makes me feel in genuine and fake. This is the part where relationships don’t work for me. I don’t feel independent; I feel compromised and sometimes like I’m not even heard.

Maybe I can make it better between us. It’s just getting over the old stale feelings that’s hard. I want to make it work because when it does we’re connected; but when it doesn’t we both feel like shit. I honestly do care about it; maintaining excitement is hard. I don’t need excitement, but I think sometimes he does. I wish I could make him notice the little silly things that mean so much.

hm hm...

dark and rainy today...and the trees are multicolored!

hm...yesterday was a lot of fun...not as exciting as I thought it would be, but I guess that's part of growing up. I'm so restless...I want to get out of here.

Alex is acting strange...but it's ok. I shouldn't get too attached anyway. LAtely I've been liking him a little too much than I should so maybe this is just a wake-up call. As much as he says he doesn't want to hurt me, I think eventually that's how this will end.

There's another show downtown tonight, not sure yet if I want to go...it's kind of a lazy day but I need a change of scenery.

18

Woot, so today was a good day...well not at first, but it's what I made of it.

I got my traguses peirced. Time to get dressed to go out...more later.

.:muah!:.

from top to bottom in seconds

'Give it a few days and I'll be wishing I'd never met you.'

So I was offered an internship for the paper here...I suppose I have to collect some of my work and a resume. That should be interesting...going through writing brings back so many strange memories.

I had a really great day. Nice morning...met with group for Exe, got a 93 in Psy...work was compeltely dead, I love it. It was beautiful outside...I went out for a bit, got some new clothes. But of course it was shattered, the elation deflated within seconds by him. This is the part of relationships I dread. It was so nice this weekend, everything I've always wanted but never had. And now the commitment comes, the promises, the plans...I can't do this. I'm getting bored and he's a jerk sometimes.

"I'll get bored and feel trapped because that's who I am" - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

This weekend was so strange, almost like a dream. Now being back in the real world I feel really unsettled and unhappy. I didn't want this sort of jolt. I've even cried over this stupid thing. The woman in the train station...

"Oh, I knew it. I know young lovers when I see them. He's leaving you isn't he?"

I hate this. This is the part where I fail you.